my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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