I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
cat food counts as protein by the way
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
