I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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