Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We had sex on a dog bed..
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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