I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
