This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
