Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
