OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
