Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
pray to the hookup gods
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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