I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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