honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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