Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
