In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
