I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
