PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
