My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
