I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
