My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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