How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
