Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
