Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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