Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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