I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
