Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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