Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
