if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
