i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
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