i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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