he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
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