So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
