one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Still dying that you shit outside
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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