We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
