there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
