i wish there were pregnant emoticons
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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