I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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