Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
