I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
