I accidentally burped into my bong.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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