The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
