nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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