So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
