if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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