I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Randomize
