Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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