Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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