This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
