god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
