someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
