I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
