I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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